Insanity Doesn't Last

While digging in the cabinet this evening attempting to find all the ingredients for a ten minute chicken recipe, I came across a completely full jar of Hershey's dark chocolate cocoa.  My heart started racing and I imagine dipping my finger into the delicious brownie batter I could make with this discovery.  For a moment I stood on my chair and began reminiscing about the days I used to make double batches of delicious brownies.  Then I realized that this was the first night in weeks I'd even considered making dinner an option and attempting to make brownies while also cooking dinner and getting the babies in bed at a decent hour would be a DISASTER!  So, sadly and with a sigh, I replaced the cocoa on the top shelf in the cabinet and bookmarked it in my mind for a calmer day when being the mom of a newborn and a two year old isn't so hectic and stressful.  Don't get me wrong, they're wonderful babies and I love them with all my heart, but I haven't quite got into the swing of things yet.  My two-year-old daughter, Ashlynn, is having a little trouble acclimating to not being the only one getting mommy's attention.  She loves her baby sister with all her heart and is a very nurturing soul in general, but being an only child for two years to a single mother can bring on some insecurities when there's a new attention hog in the house.  For the first couple of weeks after coming home from the hospital with baby Zephyr, I was dealing with a touch of post partum depression (nothing serious, just nightly tears and a short temper).  Poor Ashlynn was wrenched out of her usual routine and taken from house to house because mommy just couldn't do it on her own.  She had to learn not to jump on mommy while mommy's incision from the C-section was healing.  She couldn't be held and cuddled all the time and mommy couldn't chase her or pick her up (nothing over ten pounds for six weeks after the surgery).  We moved from my grandmother's house to my mom's house to my house and then back to my mom's on the weekends.  Bedtime became a stressful fight where one child would start to calm down and the other would need attention and I would jump from one baby to the other, attempting to get them both quiet at the same time so sleep could happen.  I'd start putting them down at 8 and not get them to sleep till 11.  By then my nerves would be fried and I would be exhausted and emotional.  My boyfriend, Mat, was amazing for those weeks when I just couldn't hold myself together.  Fortunately, it didn't last.  I began to stay home and be able to do it myself.  We're getting back on routine.  Ash is back in panties after having regressed to wearing diapers like her baby sister and she is doing tons of big girl stuff with mommy.  Today, she loaded the washer, unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, and picked up all her toys.  We also spent time outside riding her new bike and kicking a ball back and forth.  Both babies were asleep by nine and I was able to study for an hour and a half!  So if you're feeling at the end of your rope, remember that routines help!  It may be rough getting into the routine again, but once you're there, you feel like supermom again and sleep is back!

Missing

I miss you on those days you’re not here.
Even more when you call.
To hear your voice, to reach out
And not be able to touch your face, your lips
It’s almost unbearable.
Almost.
I make it on those days.
Pull myself out of the funk
Your absence puts me in
And plan on how I’m going
To kiss you when you come back.
How I’m going to wrap my
Arms around you and say I’ll never share you,
Never let you out of my sight again.
But I will.
And on those days, like this one,
I’ll force a smile
Because I know you’ll be back,
And I know you’re here, in my heart,
Where you’ll stay.

Natural Birth

Impregnated clouds float their wanton
Bellies over the horizon of a darkening sky
They linger, stretching, the sound from
Their wombs roaring with the need of release
From their safe, sweet prison
The steel gray flesh strikes open
With a rush of water, the fluid of its life,
Bathing its bed of sky with
Cold perspiration as it gives birth
The dry, infertile earth opens its mouth
Wide, tongue stretching eagerly
For the first drops of ecstasy, of life,
Gulping down the cold liquid
And allowing it to soak down to the
Seeds that have
Shriveled down into the hard rock,
Hiding from the perverted sun’s
Relentless rape
Now the seeds rise,
Suckling babes of the paled clouds,
With bloodied fingers spreading,
Chapped lips moistened with soft kisses
Of milk as it slows,
Emptied of its nectar
And the first pink rays of morning light,
Of reprieve from the onslaught,
Glow through the transparent flesh
Of the newborn blossoms,
Warming them into rest.

Jezebel

She wore the red dress today,

The one that hugs her thick curves

And dips low on her breasts.

She spent time on her makeup,

The eyeliner lining, covering, hiding,

Polishing the surface of her

Already too-beautiful face

And they all stare, mouths wide,

Hands rubbing together in anticipation

And she smirks at them,

Feeding on their reaction

But I know why she wears this dress.

She feels ugly today, forgotten, alone

She wants them to whistle and ogle

At her and think she’s easy

Something worth watching walk by

She swings her hips a little extra

And hopes that no one notices

The dead emptiness behind her eyes

Or the way her hands cross over her stomach,

Hiding the shame of her stretch marks

And the judgment of having a child before marriage

She wore the red dress today,

Because she calls herself Jezebel in the mirror,

Slut, whore, sinner,

And they agree, they don’t argue,

They don’t tell her she’s too pure, to sweet

They want her to be ruined

Because if she’s wearing the red dress,

She’s worse than them.

Pretty Tears

The tracks of your tears

Are salt paths of clarity

In the dirt and grime of life

I watch the drops fall into my palm

And hold them there,

The bittersweet knowledge

That I was trusted with them,

With the broken syllables

And wide-eyed fears

You held so close to you for so long

I see the dam break

And the waters come rushing

The blood in my ears

From the pumping of your heavy heartbeat

You release, hands splayed,

Fingertips tingling against mine,

I’ll take this from you, Love,

And give you back your smile

Because nothing is more beautiful

Than the curve of your lips

And the light in your eyes

By the force of my will

And the strength of my prayer

And the stains of your tears

On my soul

You will be set free

Vulnerable

Tears like rubies fall into my palm
I hold them close but they slip through
the cracks in my armor
You watch me break apart
with an unsure glance
and all I want is your arms around me
and all you want is to pull me close
but we stand frozen like ice
because our hearts are sewn
together with clumsy stitches
by shaking hands
and if we take this step
our fragile eyes will shatter
like broken windows
and our souls will be vulnerable once again

Wildfire

Strawberry curls and a twinkle in her eyes
She climbs, fearless enough to stare a lion down
and battle vipers,
she waves her arms and jumps in the air
with a confidence few can match
she's going to be a dancer, they say
Smile bright with a stubborn defiance
she follows the chords with
the best precision she can muster,
lips open in an "O"
she releases sweet music
to a tired kitchen audience
she's going to be a singer, they say
Restless, she pushes the blankets away
and calls for her babies,
holding them close with a fierce love,
passion afire in her soul
she giggles at a touch
throws herself into each emotion
to taste it,
she's going to be a wildfire, they say
Wrapped in blankets she
rubs sleepy eyes,
trying to fight the dreams away
and I kiss her cheek,
whisper in her ear
that sleep is only another adventure
before the morning sun
calls her awake
and she smiles sweet,
kisses me back
She's already my angel, I say